You will meet a tall, dark stranger
by krm3DeeDee
Summary: OCDegassi's "Disaster Date" competition. Basically, it's a blind date between those two - and so many thing that can go wrong will go wrong! Light M for someone's dirty mouth. Mentions of Twilightverse. Proceed with caution!


**You will meet a tall, dark stranger...**

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><p>~ oneshot ~<p>

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: I don't own Harry Potter. Okay? Okay.

I wrote this oneshot for **OCDegrassi's "Disaster Date Competition"**.

Why am I writing this so close to the deadline, you ask? Well, it's because I'm a lazy writer, and because I wanted to do something more complex than a meager 5 pages, this time. I chose my favorite pairing again, Harry/Voldemort. A lot of things can go wrong with this one. Therefore, I have to make sure a lot of things DO go wrong. It's too good of an opportunity to waste!

I'm going to set this in some AU summer before the sixth year, in which the Ministry Battle took place but Sirius didn't die. So Harry is sixteen, relatively happy and single, while Ron and Hermione, respectively Ginny and Dean are dating.

Harry and Voldemort are a little OOC in order to bring humor into this story:P Harry is a bit of a tease (I like him that way) and Voldemort...you'll just have to read and see.

**One last request** from me: please don't ask for a sequel. Unless I already planned it (and this time I didn't), it's not going to happen. I don't want to ruin my first story by following with a crappy sequel that I wrote on request. Also, I only write oneshots nowadays for a reason. I have way too many unfinished stories. I am way too fickle XD

**Enjoy!**

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><p>"Lalala" - talking<p>

'Lalala' - thinking

_Lalala_ - Parseltongue

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><p>One Harry Potter stood in front of Florean Fortesque's ice cream parlour on Diagon Alley, nervously playing with the zipper of his black jacket. Under said jacket, passers-by could spot the front of a lovely green T-shirt, if they were to pay attention to the youth. However, they didn't feel the need to give the nervous red-haired, blue-eyed teen a second look.<p>

Happy with his glamour, Harry rejoiced the lack of staring, and once more, thanked his good friend Hermione for it. The glamour, itself, wasn't very complicated. He hadn't modified his face much, so still he bore some resemblance to his original face, but "you look a little bit like Harry Potter" was so much better than "OMG! It's Harry Potter!"

It was a chillier than usual August morning, just a few days after his birthday, and Harry let his thoughts drift to the conversation a few days prior when Sirius decided out of the blue that Harry was a man and any man needed a nice, loving girlfriend by his side. After a quick talk with Harry, Sirius was disappointed to learn that his good looking and popular godson didn't have any crushes and girls weren't exactly flocking to date him.

So he did the worst thing a Marauder could do: he teamed up with Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger and signed Harry up to a blind dating service, where each customer had to fill in a questionnaire, and using it, they were set up to 10 blind dates, after which the wizard/witch would have to make a choice. Ginny and Hermione filled in Harry's questionnaire and gave it to Sirius.

Sirius then kindly "dropped the bomb" on Harry, and once Harry was done with his tantrum, he proposed a deal: Harry would go to those 10 dates, and if he couldn't find a good person to enter a relationship with, Sirius promised to drop the subject altogether. Harry frowned at Sirius' choice of word – "person", and his uncomfortable expression, so he glanced down at the paper and caught the word "bisexual". And then he started yelling again. Ginny and Hermione muttered something about him checking out Oliver Wood after a match in his third year and Draco Malfoy after an outdoor study session the Golden Trio had had during spring that year, and they dodged pillows the rest of the week, until his first blind date was arranged, a pink, glittering letter with instructions coming through a very stylish-looking owl.

Harry was, of course, signed in under a false name and wearing this glamour, and he was assigned a number and a codename that the other person would ask when they met at the assigned place.

His name right now was _Eternal Emerald_, and he was supposed to wear something of emerald color (his T-shirt), as request from the other party, and he was waiting for _Midnight Snake_, hopefully a female, that was going to wear dark blue sunglasses, as per his request. He really loved sunglasses on a girl, especially when they rested on top of her head.

**~.~**

After the successful purchase of an ancient book on Olde ParselMagiks in Knocturn Alley, the Dark Lord Voldemort was just about turn around and Dissaparate back to Malfoy Manor, when he suddenly changed his mind.

It was a beautiful day outside, and the potion he had taken was going to last until midnight, so there was really no need to rush inside that dark place. It was so long since he'd last left the Manor, and without any special plans in motion he could afford to stay outside and enjoy his day a while longer.

It seemed that this potion, that allowed him to regain his 20-year-old body, had some minor side effects: together with his former body, he also regained old cravings. This is how the Dark Lord found himself walking rapidly toward the best place to get ice cream: Florean Fortescue's parlour.

And who should he find in front of the parlour but his nemesis, Harry Potter?

'Oh, Potter, you really need to start working on your glamours', he thought, shaking his head. But he didn't really plan on dealing with the brat right now (ice cream comes first), so he chose to ignore the matter.

He readjusted his dark blue sunglasses and prepared to enter the shop, when a small hand grabbed his arm and he found himself staring into the wide blue eyes of Harry Potter.

"Are you…are you Midnight Snake?" Harry asked, swallowing hard, in a quivering voice.

**~.~**

Harry was still fidgeting, playing with the sleeves this time, and nervously arranging and re-arranging his hair, when he saw _Him_.

A boy, slightly older than him, walking fast, but with an air of confidence came towards him. He only wore a light blue shirt, upper buttons undone, and dark trousers that seemed to follow the lines of his body extremely well. Black polished shoes covered his feet. He wore such simple, classic clothing, and yet he looked as elegant as a prince. Despite the fact that a pair of expensive-looking dark blue sunglasses covered his face, Harry could make out the aristocratic features and he realized that this boy was definitely very handsome.

The boy gave him a slight smirk and rearranged his glasses, and Harry suddenly became mesmerized by the stranger's slim fingers, until he remembered: Glasses?

As if in a trance, Harry grabbed the biceps of the stranger, blushing like a lovesick girl, and asked his question in what was supposed to be his "confident, cool and sensual" tone.

"Are you…are you Midnight Snake?"

Instead, what came out was some sort of squeak, worthy of "Neville after melting his cauldron" prize. And the stranger smirked again, turning from the door.

He took Harry's chin up and looked into his eyes, through the glasses, as if searching for something. Harry waited, his heart beating loudly into his chest, very aware that his face must be as red as his hair by now. And then, the stranger spoke, and his voice was low and sensual, like ambrosia.

"Yes, I am. Eternal Emerald, I presume? What corny code names they chose for us, don't you think?"

Harry breathed in relief, and the stranger spoke again.

"Do you mind if we first have some ice cream? I feel like it's been ages since I last had some!"

Harry nodded dumbly and let himself be dragged into the shop by the beautiful boy, not believing his luck.

Tom chose a pistachio/almond combination and Harry chose a banana/chocolate one. They went and sat at a table towards the back of the shop, away from the windows, that offered some privacy, completely missing the arrival of Millicent Bulstrode.

Millicent only spent five minutes in front of the shop.

She had come late on purpose, to avoid being dumped again. She thought that he wouldn't be able to leave if she saw him first and confronted him. She knew her looks weren't helping, that's why she had resorted to a blind date service. She always wore her best clothes and jewels, and always arrived first, to show her date how serious she was, but she had been very unlucky so far, as all her dates mysteriously disappeared. This time, the 10th time, she was going to get a boyfriend for sure! But it seemed that the boy she was supposed to meet had not come at all. Regretfully, she placed her blue sunglasses in the purse, and returned to Bulstrode Manor, where she began to write the first Howler in her life.

**~.~**

Lord Voldemort couldn't believe his luck.

When Harry Potter stopped him and asked him that question, he was momentarily taken by surprise, but after a quick Legilimentic attack that the boy hadn't even noticed, he understood the situation and decided to take advantage of it.

After all, Potter was there, unprotected and eager. If he played his cards right, at the end of the day he could find out the prophecy, the order's headquarters, the order's plans and kill Harry Potter for good!

He dragged the blushing boy inside the shop and placed his order. He found a table in the back and beckoned Harry to it. They both sat down and started eating in silence for a while.

Harry, of course, was the first to speak.

"So, uh…I'm James. James Evans"

'Of course you are', Voldemort thought. 'Do all Gryffindors lack imagination when it comes to fake names? Maybe I should test something out'

The stranger removed his glasses, and Harry was felt to stare into a pair of gorgeous sapphire eyes and a dazzling smile that almost took his breath away.

"I am Thomas" the stranger said. Harry's breath hitched. "Thomas Dumbledore"

"Eh?" Harry dropped the spoon into his lap.

"Ah. Is my name familiar to you?" 'Thomas' asked, looking surprised, but otherwise giving no sign of having seen the spoon accident. "I suppose it is. You study at Hogwarts, don't you?"

"Yes, I'm about to go into my 6th year. So, you're related to the headmaster, then?"

"Hmm, you could say so. I'm descended from one of his brothers" Thomas said casually.

"I didn't know the headmaster has brothers"

"He's a very secretive man, Albus. He's also quite a loner and keeps away from the rest of his family. But I know he cares about us, nevertheless. Judging by your tone, you seemed a bit…sad? Are you close to him?"

Harry blushed and stopped, before his tongue could get him into trouble.

"Ha, ha…no, it's just…there are theories and bets…and just -"

"It's okay" Thomas said smiling. "And you can call me Tom. The name Thomas always made me feel old"

"Oh! Then you can call me Ha-James!"

"All right, Hajames" Tom chuckled.

Harry lowered his eyes and muttered.

"Just James, please"

Tom hummed and looked towards the window with a small smile, while Harry quickly scooped the spoon from his lap, took a look at his jeans (checking for stains, finding none) and he ate the rest of his ice cream with his eyes still downcast, trying to calm himself. Thankfully, Tom seemed to still be looking out the window, perhaps daydreaming, so he hadn't embarrassed himself. Too much.

Truthfully, when the stranger removed his glasses and said his name was Thomas, Harry instantly panicked, thinking about Tom Riddle from the diary, but logic told him this couldn't be the Dark Lord. Voldemort looked like a snake, not like a "tall dark stranger" from women's fantasies, and his scar hurt around the madman, and Voldemort generally didn't eat ice cream like a normal person, he drank unicorn blood. So what if his name and physical appearance resembled those of Tom Riddle? All that was surely coincidence!

And then he heard the name Dumbledore, and all his newfound fear suddenly vanished. There was no way a Dumbledore would hurt him! He was safe. Oh, and to actually date his mentor's relative, he really had to make a good impression. Thomas was amazing and he seemed to like Harry. Everyone would immediately approve of them! And the girls would be so jealous!

**~.~**

Leaving Florean Fortescue's shop, Thomas dragged Harry across Diagon Alley by his forearm, because the place had become really crowded in the half hour they had spent eating ice cream.

Harry followed him, stumbling about (why did Thomas had to have such long legs and walk so fast?), lightly blushing.

'I really like Thomas, does this make me gay?' Harry wondered.

As they were walking towards the Leaky Cauldron, Harry bumped into something…or rather, someone. Recognizing Neville, he opened his mouth to say hello, just to close it one second later, remembering that Neville doesn't know James Evans.

Thomas stopped and turned around, just in time to see a large cactus get shoved in his face. Harry had a sense of déjà-vu, recognizing the Mimbulus Mimbletonia, and hurriedly stepped in between the two of them. It was too late, and the cactus released all its Stinksap upon the two unlucky wizards.

It was as if everything happened in slow motion.

Thomas froze, took a look at his ruined outfit, then tried to keep his anger in check, while Neville cowered and stuttered apologies, and Harry, behind them, fell to the ground, clutching his head in pain, pain from his scar. The pain, along with some quick flashes of ways to gruesomely kill Neville Longbottom made his quickly realize that he was not dating a Thomas Dumbledore at all. No, he was actually dating Tom Riddle, better known as the Dark Lord Voldemort.

He stood up quickly and placed himself between them, whispering at Neville to run like his life depends on it. Neville gave him a nod and disappeared. Thomas made it to follow the clumsy boy, but Harry pretended to trip and fell, conveniently, into Thomas's open arms. He felt the older man stiffen for a second, but then strong arms wrapped themselves against his torso and he was gently lifted up. Still amazed by the fluttery feeling in his stomach coming from Lord Voldemort's gentle touch, Harry failed to notice the man take his hand and drag him to the Knocturn Alley, until he was actually there. It was then that Harry began to panic.

However, Thomas just took out his wand and started muttering cleaning spells on himself and on Harry, followed by refreshing spells, and Harry stood there in awe at the impressive display. Lord Voldemort, it seems, knew how to make the most basic cleaning spells look like a work of art. This made Harry blush again.

Thomas looked at him and sighed, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Are you all right, James? I got everything off you, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did!" Harry answered quickly.

"This was embarrassing" he followed. "Was that boy a friend of yours?"

"Um…not really, I mean I saw him around the school, everyone knows he's a bit clumsy but he loves herbology" Harry said quickly, in one breath.

"Hmm…"

Harry looked up at his pensive face.

"I'm sorry" Harry mumbled, looking at Thomas's beautiful shirt.

"Don't be, it's that boy's fault". Thomas looked at Harry, who was now biting his lower lip, worried about his friend, no doubt, and decided that if Harry felt uncomfortable and called off the date now, he would have only embarrassed himself for nothing.

"_James_", he said in a seductive voice. "Let's go somewhere nice. You pick the place."

Harry's face lit up with glee, showing the darkest lord of the century a beautiful smile. Unconsciously, the corners of Tom's mouth lifted in a small smile.

**~.~**

Tom Riddle cursed in his mind, staring at the entrance of a Muggle amusement park in London. Gone was the shy, unsure, blushing teenager! Harry was jumping around in joy, acting like a hyperactive kid.

Tom paid for two tickets, then let Harry take his hand and drag him past the entrance and into the park.

'I'm going to have so much fun! If Voldemort kills me today, at least I can say I forced the Dark Lord to take me to the amusement park!' Harry thought, smiling widely. 'I've never been to one of these before!'

As soon as the pair entered the park, they were accosted by a cheerful teenage girl in jeans, with a professional camera hanging around her neck.

"I haven't seen such a fitting couple in years! Would you like a picture or two to remind you of today?"

Harry smiled at her and looked up shyly at Tom. Tom agreed and they both went to the place the photographer showed them.

Harry stood close to Tom, self conscious all of a sudden. Tom made no move to touch him. The photographer looked up, surprised.

"Um…could you…hug, or something?"

_ Yes, hug him! _ the pair heard from somewhere in the grass below them. _ And touch him, and lick him there, and everywhere! _

Harry stumbled in surprise, his face completely red, and once again ended up in Voldemort's arms. Tom, it seems, was also displaying a red hue, while the snake in the grass kept talking in a sing-song voice, advising him on how to pleasure his lover further. Harry felt something harden against his thigh, and he froze, unwilling to look down and confirm if Lord Voldemort actually became aroused from dirty Parsel talk.

Meanwhile, the photographer kept taking shots, cheerfully talking about "great chemistry", "match made in Heaven" and "soulmates".

They pulled apart when the photographer went away to convince a family to take photos, and Harry was suddenly happy to feel some space between them again.

"Yeah, that was great!" Harry commented. "I just remembered this one time when headmaster Dumbledore came to school party dressed as a Lemon Drop!"

Voldemort felt his arousal wither away at the mention of his old professor.

'You're welcome' Harry thought, casting a fugitive look at him. 'Please don't kill me when this is all over?'

_ What are you waiting for? Look at him, he's so sweet and innocent, just waiting for a strong snake to show him the pleasures of mating! _

Tom froze just as he was about to answer Harry. His eyes darted to the grass, trying to locate the vulgar menace and hex it.

_ You can't lie to me, human. I knew what you were thinking earlier. I know you want to see the small one naked, screaming and panting under you, pupils dilated in pleasure as you thru- _

"James!" Tom shouted. "Um, where do you want to go?" Tom was losing composure fast, and Harry wasn't looking that much better himself. He was going to step away from that place, when he felt something scaly slither around his ankle, and then up his leg.

_ Hm…both humans are aroused. Just go find a bathroom and start mating already! _

"Tom, there's something slithering up my right leg!" Harry said in a small, quivering voice. He knew the snake wasn't going to hurt him, but seeing a flustered, embarrassed Dark Lord was so much fun, and he wasn't going to pass this opportunity up! Plus, James Evans wasn't a Parselmouth, so he wouldn't know what the snake said, right?

"Hold still" Tom commanded, kneeling in front of him and using his hand to lift the jeans from around Harry's ankle, hoping to catch the snake's tail before said creature went too far up the leg.

Harry in the mean time tried to make his fear look as real as possible, holding onto the Dark Lord shamelessly, shaking and whimpering from time to time.

The hand left his naked calf, as the snake had already gone past that part of the leg, and Harry gave a small moan as the Dark Lord's hand went to Harry's zipper.

"Mommy, what are they doing?" a five-year-old child asked her mother.

"He's going to play with that boy's snake" came the answer from a skater boy on their right who was laughing and high-fiving his friend.

The pair froze as the woman started yelling at the skater boys, and they just then seemed to realize the position they were in.

Both jumped apart, faces identically red, and Tom quickly threw Harry over his shoulder and, having spotted a bathroom, strutted towards it, quietly warning the snake that if they bit Harry, they were going to find themselves eviscerated and thrown into a farm of rabid chickens.

Harry almost laughed at the Dark Lord's threat, but clamped a hand over his mouth at the last moment. Tom entered the thankfully empty bathroom, walked into an equally empty stool and locked the door behind him.

There, he placed Harry on the toilet and looked at him.

"James, I need to you close your eyes and not move, no mater what you feel, okay?"

The shaking 'James' gave a small nod and closed his eyes, biting his lips in anticipation. The Dark Lord unfastened his jeans and pulled down the zipper. One second later, his hand enclosed around a small, harmless garden snake, and he pulled the menace out. Wordlessly, he left the stool, giving the boy some privacy. Harry chuckled quietly, fastening his jeans, and he left the stool.

"Tom…?"

But Tom remained with his back turned on Harry, as he was threatening the snake.

_ Do tell me, pathetic creature spawned in a Muggle sewer, why shouldn't I just flush you down the toilet? _

_ Because then your human mate will be upset with you? _

_ He is NOT my lover! _

_ So you haven't mated yet? It didn't look like you have problems with your- _

_ Shut up! _

_ Why? It's not like the other boy understands your perverted intentions, innocent as he is _

'Merlin's beard, Potter is a Parselmouth too!' Tom remembered.

He turned around to look at Harry's wide, innocent eyes, and the head cocked on a side, making him look very cute.

'I did NOT think Potter is cute! I am Lord Voldemort! I don't like cute things!'

_ James is someone I just met. We're not lovers! _

_ Denial, I say! _the snake supplied from the side._ Just grab him and push him back into the stool, will you? I can barely stand you sexual frustration _

The snake quickly slithered out of the bathroom, using the small space under the door.

Lord Voldemort closed his eyes and counted to ten, breathing deeply, while Harry clutched to his sides, trying his best not to burst out laughing.

Eventually, the Dark Lord calmed down and opened his eyes. He found Harry standing next to him, a look of concern on his face.

"Are you all right, Tom?"

'Such a caring voice', Lord Voldemort noted. 'If only you knew who I was and what I was planning to do to you... '

Harry stretched out a hand and placed it on Tom's forehead, as if checking his temperature. Tom's eyes widened further.

"I am all right, James. Thank you for your concern."

"No, thank you, Tom. I was so scared of that…snake" he said, almost in a whisper, eyes averting to the floor in a submissive act. "If you hadn't helped me…Oh! I just realized something! Did that snake bite you?"

"No, I'm fine."

"I'm glad."

Just then, the moment was ruined by a group of loud skater boys who entered the bathroom; a flash of recognition, and then they were laughing.

"Hey! You finished playing with your boyfriend's snake? Some of us have to take a leak, ya know"

Tom gave them the evil glare of doom, and he held the door open for Harry to pass. Both exited the bathroom quickly, leaving the laughing teenagers behind.

"Where should we go first, James?"

"Rollercoaster!"

**~.~**

Tom waited in line to the highest rollercoaster in the park. That particular rollercoaster had many right-left loops, up and down loops, spinning parts. They were going to get upside down a lot, and the speed of the carts wasn't very reassuring.

Damn Gryffindor insisted that they have fun together.

Tom cursed under his breath as he entered the damn cart. The park employee fastened their belts. Harry was grinning in anticipation, while Lord Voldemort was looking ahead with dread. Why did he agree to this, again?

Harry held his hand, as if in reassurance, and then the damn thing started.

Lord Voldemort closed his eyes in fear as the Muggle contraption spun and threw them in all directions; he found himself screaming with all the Muggles around him, although he would later deny it and Obliviate Potter as soon as they reached the safety of the ground again.

The suicidal Potter, however, cheered and laughed as if he was playing a Quiddich match. Oh, perhaps that was the reason why Potter loved rollercoasters.

Lord Voldemort felt sick. The ride, which was supposed to last around a minute and a half, seemed to last for hours. When the Muggle contraption finally stopped spinning, he thanked all gods and swore to torture Potter for this horrible, horrible experience.

He climbed out of the cart shaking, feeling very dizzy. Harry chatted animatedly next to him, but stopped after taking a look at Voldemort's face. He suspected the Dark Lord wasn't good with fast things and heights, not to mention the new sensations and the complete lack of control over that rollercoaster; that's why he had chosen the highest and most dangerous rollercoaster in the park to start the day. It had started out as a small act of revenge for all he had endured because of the man, but at the end he began to feel bad for forcing Voldemort to come with him.

Voldemort opened his mouth to say something and promptly vomited all over Harry's shirt.

Around them, the other teenagers on their ride laughed and turned their heads with disgust.

Lord Voldemort had never felt more humiliated. He wanted to take out his wand and murder every Muggle in this park. Harry felt his scar start hurting and decided to do something to avert the disaster.

He stepped in front of Voldemort and yelled at them. The teenagers left rolling their eyes, and Harry dragged a bewildered Dark Lord back to the toilet.

Conveniently enough, it was empty again

"Um, could you please…scourgify this again?"

Voldemort quickly cleaned Harry.

"James, I'm so sorry"

"No, don't apologize. It's my fault for forcing you to go there. I didn't know you were feeling sick"

Voldemort took a look at Harry's genuine worried and apologetic face. He swallowed bile, and forced his anxiety to subside. He tried to ignore the warm feeling growing in his chest.

Harry took Tom by the hand and guided him to the sink. He helped Tom wash his mouth and wet a towel for him, gently washing his face. Tom used a refreshing charm on his mouth when it was all done.

They left the bathroom and walked towards an unoccupied bench.

"Let's sit down for a bit, until your stomach settles, okay?"

Voldemort nodded.

Harry sat down and pulled the still-dizzy Tom next to him, then guided Tom so that he was now lying down with his head on Harry's lap. Harry was caressing his head and back lightly with a small smile. Tom closed his eyes in bliss, promising himself that he would only rest for a few minutes.

**~.~**

Harry sighed, checking his wristwatch. It was already 50 minutes since Lord Voldemort had fallen asleep under his ministrations, and his legs were starting to cramp, but he didn't dare wake the Dark Lord.

Firstly, he didn't know the man's sleeping habits. What if a rude awakening made him throw the Cruciatus curse at everyone on sight? And besides that, Harry felt bad for making him get on the ride.

He decided to leave the rollercoasters for another day, and find something that the Dark Lord could also enjoy. He scanned the brochure. Maybe the "Fast Ride?" It looked promising. They were going to go on a circular boat and they would go on a kind of a ride. The ride simulated the experience of navigating down a small river, but it was much tamer, and the only thing that really happened there was getting splashed at some turns - which wasn't a problem for a couple of wizards like themselves.

The Dark Lord turned on his back, stirred and opened his eyes slowly, encountering Harry's smile.

"Hey there. Did you have a nice nap?"

"How much was I asleep?"

"A little less that an hour. Are you feeling better now?"

"Much better."

"I'm glad. Let's go to the next ride."

It had gotten warmer, so Harry removed his jacked and tied its sleeves around his hips. He waited for Tom to get up. Tom's shirt was a bit wrinkled now, and his hair was tossed. He looked more human, somewhat approachable. Harry decided he liked that look.

Harry spent the time up to that place talking to Voldemort about the ride, checking his face for any signs of discomfort. In the end Voldemort enjoyed himself and laughed when Harry suddenly got splashed on half his T-shirt, getting slightly irritated when the back of his trousers got splashed.

After drying their clothes, Harry also dragged him to a ride where a cart would take them through a cave with spiders they had to shoot. In the end, they both finished with the same score, which pleased Voldemort immensely, because Harry had bragged about his aim all the way to that place. Equals, indeed.

Tom felt something was wrong and stiffened.

"Tom, what's – "

And then he saw them. Death Eaters disguised as Muggles, with their wands halfway out of their pockets, faces concentrated, eyes narrowed in hatred.

Harry walked casually to the closest one and punched him in the face, grabbing his wand.

"Death Eaters" he whispered to Tom. He took Tom's hand in his and started to run. Tom had no choice but to follow.

"Why did you do that, James?" Tom hissed.

"Death Eaters, they're after me!"

"What do you mean? Why would they be after you? Don't they usually attack Muggles? Or are you Muggleborn? And even so, why would they target you specifically?"

Harry cursed under his breath. He had almost given away his identity, which would ensure a quick death. Or not so quick, considering the rollercoaster experience.

Wait. Why would Voldemort put up with an Evans, definitely not pureblood, and refrain from killing/torturing Muggles for him? There was only one possible answer. Voldemort already knew he was Harry Potter. And Voldemort called his troupes to help execute Harry. Or he had planned an attack on the Muggles at the amusement park, and they just got involved into it.

In that case, Harry realized the only way to prolong his life was to keep playing dumb and hope Voldemort was also going to keep up his façade as long as possible.

"Um…I happen to know Harry Potter. So they probably want to kill me or take me as a prisoner – to get to him"

"Oh"

"And my wand has trace on it, because I'm not an adult yet. I was almost expelled last summer for use of magic"

"Why? Why did you use magic?"

"Um…to defend myself against…a werewolf" he quickly made up. "I was out camping during a full moon. Despite being underage, we were all wizards there, so there was no risk of breaking the Wizarding Statute of Secrecy. Yeah, I know. I was stupid"

Tom shook his head.

"At least you're safe now. You weren't bitten, were you? Or scratched?"

"No, I'm fine"

"Okay"

They arrived in a more deserted part of the park, occupied by trees and grass. They hid behind some bushes, catching their breaths, while some rustling noises and swearing told them the Death Eaters had caught up with them.

Lord Voldemort cursed under his breath. How long would he be able to keep up the cover, if the idiots initiated attacks on their own, without orders from him?

He recognized the fools. They were all new recruits, all part of the outer circle. It seemed the enthusiastic wannabes hadn't been Cruciated enough.

He didn't even notice when Harry left his side, but he was brought back to the present when spells started flying. Harry fought against three Death Eaters at once, looking focused and…cheerful? Was he trying to show off in front of his date? Voldemort felt his eye twitching.

Voldemort joined the battle, trying to use only neutral spells like stunners and body binds, knowing that Harry wouldn't appreciate Dark spells from Dumbledore's relative.

However, his spells seemed a bit weaker than they had been in school. He wondered, was this because he hadn't used them in such a long time, or was it because his aura and core were now completely Dark?

Harry watched the Dark Lord battle. His technique and moves were superb, but the spells didn't look any stronger than his own. Like a Dumbledore that's not a pro duelist. So he was going to keep the cover a while longer.

Harry smiled and continued. They were surrounded, and he needed to shield the Dark Lord a few times, when his back was turned on one of the enemies, but he kept fighting, trying not to think how these guys were going to be punished when the date was over.

Seeing how he didn't recognize any of them, he suspected that they were either small fry, or new recruits. They were also pretty weak, compared to the Inner Circle members, so not much of a loss to the Dark Forces.

Eventually, they were all defeated. Tom transfigurated them into knuts and placed them into his pocket, saying that he would later drop by the Aurors' office, but now he wanted to enjoy his date with Harry a little longer. Harry smiled and took his hand.

It was just their luck that they happened to be found by a couple of teenaged girls on a mission.

"Sparkles! I saw sparkles, I'm telling you!"

"Impossible! Look, vampires aren't real!"

Five teenage girls with ages between 13 and 17 stopped in front of the startled wizards, their eyes fixed on Tom – his pale skin, dark glittering eyes, handsome features. One of the girls looked at their entwined hands.

"Oh my god!"

"Sparkle for me, Edward!"

"It's not Edward, Edward has bronze hair!"

"Yeah, but he's definitely a vampire! And he must know Edward!"

Harry had to stifle a laugh, understanding something. Tom glared at him.

"And look! Yaoi!"

"Okay. Run" Harry whispered to Tom, dragging the poor man along, once again. They broke into a run.

"Why?"

"Fangirls. Scary. They'll tear your clothes and rape you. Run!"

"WHAT? Are you insane? We're wizards!"

"No Tom. It's really not worth it."

"And how would you know that, Potter?"

Harry stopped and froze. He turned around to face Lord Voldemort, dropping his hand like it burned. And the man was, indeed, Lord Voldemort, in all his serpentine glory. He hadn't even noticed when the man's hand turned cold, when his nails elongated, when his voice changed. He panicked.

"Lord Voldemort" he breathed.

"Harry Potter. You might as well remove the glamour; it's not needed anymore"

Harry complied.

"Are you…are you going to kill me now?" he held his breath.

Voldemort looked at his hands.

"Severus' potion was supposed to last all day. However, he warned me that I should refrain from doing magic during this time, if I wanted it to last. It is an experimental potion, not yet finished..."

Harry kept looking at him, waiting for a curse, a threat, anything.

"Potter, stop being so uncouth. Tell me about this Edward person" Lord Voldemort said, sitting down in the grass and patting a place next to him. Harry froze in disbelief, staring dumbly at the Dark Lord for a minute, trying to comprehend what miracle let him survive this time. Eventually, he blinked and obeyed Voldemort's demand.

"Oh. Twilight. Right. Um, you see…"

Harry spent the next two hours telling the Darkest Lord of the Century about Muggle World's newest obsession, criticizing everything he could think of, and making Voldemort laugh freely. If someone were to pass by, they would think they were old friends, not sworn enemies.

And they continued to talk, until a certain snake found them again.

_ Hello, love birds. You look much more relaxed, speaker. Did you manage to mate with you little human after all? Oh…looks like you've already found another one! I approve of this one. He's much prettier! _

Harry chuckled, his ears turning pink, and Voldemort felt around for his wand.

_ We're better now _ Harry answered. _ Thank you for the kind advice! _

_ Another speaker! Anytime, amigo! I'm going to Brazil now, to get myself some girls! Ayayaaayyyy! _

The snake slithered away, untouched by the Dark Lord's anger.

"Harry, why did you do that?"

"Come on Tom, you can't seriously think about hurting the poor snake."

"He was insinuating that…"

"I know. But he's just a snake, no need to get so angry over it."

Lord Voldemort sighed.

"Harry, you really are a kind spirit"

Harry smiled, and Voldemort couldn't stop himself anymore. He reached out and gathered the small boy into his arms.

"Too kind for your own good"

He tilted the boy's chin up and kissed him. Harry kissed back, wondering why it felt so right.

**~.~**

Lord Voldemort stepped back and Dissaparated, leaving a bewildered Harry Potter behind.

"Huh…I suppose the Dark Lord isn't the kind of guy who takes his dates safely home. Damn. I could really use a lift"

He made it out of the small forest, just to bump into the teenage girls.

"Hey, have you seen a brunette Edward Cullen around?"

"Sure. He sparkled that way" he answered them, pointing back at the forest. "Better hurry, he seemed really hot an bothered"

The girls squealed and quickly took off in that direction, and Harry laughed, shaking his head. What a day!

**~.~**

Near the park exit, he saw some pictures posted and remembered how they blushed and hugged, under the snake's teasing comments. What had that Muggle girl seen in them? What kind of expression did Lord Voldemort show to the camera?

He scanned them quickly and found their sets.

The pictures were beautiful. And embarrassing. And very beautiful.

So he bought them all and contemplated whether to send the Dark Lord one of them…maybe he would receive the owl during one of the Death Eaters' meetings...

* * *

><p><strong>THE END<strong>

* * *

><p>HeheXD This is my longest HP one shot so far. So glad I finished it before the deadline:P<p>

**Again: THERE WILL BE NO SEQUEL!**

As I'm sure you noticed, I kept talking about the Dark Lord, calling him either "Voldemort" or "Tom". It is all intentional. It should help with the mood, or at least – it should help express their relationship for now. Please don't forget, this is Lord Voldemort (in all his serpentine glory) under a potion! NOT Tom Riddle.

A great deal of thanks to Doriana, my lovely beta! I found great inspiration thinking about the sunny Saturday that we spent in Madrid's Amusement Park.

I had so much fun! Thank you for inviting me to Spain!

Please leave a review if you liked the story!


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